Pippin and the Shrooms
by Song in the woods
Summary: What would happen if the gang showed up here? Yes, it's been done, but this isn't a romance it just for fun.


We were sitting around talking about what would happen if the fellowship arrived in our time. Out of that conversation my mind formed this little warped story...

"She's banging her head again". Nodding his head Gandalf simply says "Yes, she is. What have you two done to her this time?" Pippin looks up at Gandalf the picture of pure innocence, "What makes you think we had anything to do with it?" The banging gets louder. Gandalf grows 10 feet tall and turns a dark shade of scary "DO NOT TAKE ME FOR A FOOL" Pippin backs up so fast he nearly knocks Merry over. The banging has stopped. Gandalf is now normal size and is smiling, "Ah, she has finished. Now quickly Boromir grab her before she starts again." Looking first at the wizard and then at the woman with the large bruise forming in the middle of her forehead he takes a deep breath. "As you wish it Gandlaf" Bowing before he gently moves her from the doorway, he quietly asks her. "Now would you care to tell us why you feel the need to do this to yourself?"

With a dazed look in her eyes she falls into the chair, only to jump back up when she realizes that Gimli was there first. He is glaring at her, not because she sat on him, but because he and Legolas are playing Return of The King on the playstation and he can't see the screen with her standing there. She slowly moves out of their way as Gimli is yelling at Legolas for cheating. The elf is smirking. He is cheating if you count the fact he is using his elvish reflexes.

Aragorn gently leads her to another this time EMPTY chair. "Now if you please let us know what has happened to you." Slowly she starts with her tale…

It started this morning shortly after second breakfast. Pippin, Merry, Sam and Frodo were bored, so she was silly enough to take them to a local mall. Sam was in heaven once he found the garden section. She even bought him some plants and a few tools to work with. Frodo had found some LOTR figures that he just had to have, so she bought him some of them. $300 at the food court for a snack to tide them over, another $200 at the chocolate Shoppe to snack on for the movie they wanted to see . But it was the girls at Starbucks that she wanted to kill. They thought Pippin was cute and started to feed the little guy shots of espresso. Ten shots later he is a caffeine addict that hair is vibrating. So she takes them to the music shop. Why? Because she left her brain in her other suit. Once they got the hang of the karaoke machine the hobbits were singing everything from the Green Dragon to I Feel Like A woman. The management didn't care because they were good and they were binging people in. That is until Merry and Pippin decided they wanted to do a "special" song just for Melody. Jumping back and forth on their feet to an imaginary beat they started. "Met a girl, thought she was grand (Melody "Why is this one so familiar?" Frodo shakes his head while Sam is nodding his) fell in love, found out first hand ("I think my brother liked this one") went well for a week or tow then it all came unglued She ….." Melody jumps up slapping her hands accross both hobbits faces while screaming "NOOOOOOO" it was too late. Several mothers have already grabbed their children to drag them out. The manager is stomping towards them. Melody grabs Pippin and Merry, Frodo and Sam are already out the door before she even makes it that far, they were out of the mall and headed back home. Well after they stopped at two more fast food places and picked up some ice cream.

Once back home Pippin and Merry decided to bake a cake to help smooth over Melody's agitated state. Melody has decided to make sure the hobbits don't hear any more adult music by sorting her cds. "Gp, M, GP, R, GP, oh man not that one." When she hears Sam yelling "MY EYES MY EYES!" Running into the front room she sees Boromir, Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas are watching a movie. Frodo is in shock standing in the middle of the room while Sam is in the corner rocking back and forth. It would seem they are watching a little flick called "The Fellowship of the Throbbits" The plot? Four female thorbits must take the Thong of Goodtimes and destroy it at Mount Partypooper. The females were failing at their task and currently were doing the inhabitants of the forest. "OH CRAP!" Legolas wrinkles his nose looking around "Where?"

Later…"GP, M, R, X, R, …why the hell do I have so many flipping movies?...G, M, R…" BOOOM! Jumping up she runs to the kitchen. There is flour every where, eggs on the ceiling, some unknown substance is trying to move on the floor. She slowly shuts the door and starts to twitch……when the doorbell rings. Pizza delivery is at the door. It would seem the hobbits are hungry again. 21 pizzas have been ordered. Paying for the pizzas she is wondering how many days it will be before she is broke from feeding the hobbits.

Walking into the laundry room she finds Pippin holding up a pair of her panties. He is trying to figure out how they go on as he first looks at them one way then another. He notices her standing there and smiles "I was looking for something to clean up the bit of a mess we made in the kitchen but I don't think this will work. What are they?" Sam has curled up in another corner this time in the laundry room. Frodo is starting to drool. Melody is stating to bang her head on the door frame when Gandalf walks in. He gently moves her from the door talking soothingly to her in elvish. He then grabs her underwear from Pippin and pockets it. Suddenly feeling ill, Melody is twitching more now.

Sitting her down between Gimli and Legolas, the phone rings and Legolas answers. "Legolas Prince of Mirkwood, how may I help you." "No, no I'm sorry I don't know this Jack Ass. Does he live here?" "Melody? Well she is um… a little occupied right now." Drool is starting to form on her lips. Gimli goes off to look for some ale to help her. "Well yes, I can give her the message. Thank you." Hanging up the phone he looks over at her, "It was your sister. She said to tell you to stop picking up stray dogs and to come over right away she deleted her hard drive again." Pippin "We have a dog? Where?" Aragorn is laughing "I think she means us Pippin." Legolas snorts "She DID not mean ME"

Boromir is very quiet; he has one of her laptops on his lap. He keeps looking from Legolas to Aragorn and back again. Pippin is reading over his shoulder. They had found Freedom of Speech .com. Boromir is pale. Pippin looks over at him, "well what did you think they were doing all those times they were off by themselves?" Boromir looks at him very slowly, then back over at Aragorn before he turned to Legolas. Slowly he scoots closer to the wall and away from both of them. Pippin "Oh look here is one about Sam and Frodo. Lets look at that one." Frodo walks over and reads the first paragraph…he turns green. "How could they! Why would they? How is that even possible…" Pippin looks at him, "well you know Mrs Proudfeet use to.." Melody "Stop! I SO do not want to hear what you are about to say." Pippin shrugs his shoulders and continues to read the story. When he gets to the part about Merry and Boromir and him he becomes offended. "Merry! How could you do this to me?" Merry comes out of the kitchen. He is covered with flour and caring a bottle of rum. Gimli has a bottle of whiskey and another one of tequila. "We couldn't find any ale, but here we found this stuff." Boromir grabs the whiskey and takes a large drink. Coughing he glares, "this isn't ale" Melody "No shit Sherlock." He glares at her. "Have you read what they said about us in here?" Melody is now beyond twitching. "Who told you to read it? That's why it is called Freedom of Speech. You can write what you like and read what you like. If you don't want to read it then don't. Pippin. Stop reading. It didn't happen to you did it? Then fine stop hitting Boromir with the magazine for taking your virginity." Pippin and Merry's mouths both drop open. Boromir growls "I DID NOT.." Melody "yeah yeah yeah you didn't do anything, drink some more." Walking out of the room she see a baggie of mushrooms on the table. Now she has seen them before in her earlier years and knows what these are. The question in her mind is how the hell did they get there?

Pippin "Ah I see you found my mushrooms." Melody is twitching more "Your……. Mushrooms…. Pippin?" "Well yes I got them from your nice neighbor over there." He is pointing to the local neighborhood drug dealer's house. "He said he would be over to collect from you later for them." Her head is starting to throb…"I put some on the pizzas that we ate earlier. Do you like them?" She is pounding her head against the door jam. It seems to make the pain go away…….


End file.
